For the past 6 weeks or so, I've needed to sense God's most tender mercies more than ever. Sure, it was partially because of Bethany's surgery and it's major complications, but it was also because I just felt desperate for God and for His presence.
When I was a little girl, as the youngest of five children, I would twirl and spin around my dad, wishing I could know that he loved me. He did love me, albeit in his way and not necessarily mine, but something was broken in our father-daughter relationship that sometimes left me feeling desperate for reassurance.
Over the years, God has healed my heart in countless miraculous ways. God has gently whispered all those things that I had wished by earthly father would have said to me. I am positive that God's love for me is deep, unwavering, never ending and certain.
But there are still times I catch myself twirling again. Crying out again. Wishing I could feel totally secure. Hating my insecurities. And mad that this struggle I thought was over, surfaces still.
Hmmm. Maybe I always will.
And maybe that's not such a bad thing.
For it keeps me desperate for a reassurance I can't get any other way. It keeps me desperate for God.
I can hear my friends and children tell me they love me and yet still feel my heart desperately twirling.
I can stand before a crowd and sing until I can sing no more, all the while, people are clapping...and still feel my heart desperately twirling.
I can stand in a hospital room, knowing that the Creator of the Universe is on my side, has created my daughter and wants only the best for her...and still feel my heart desperately twirling.
I can conquer my food demons and finally fit back into my skinny jeans... and still feel my heart desperately twirling.
The only thing that stops the desperation, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the twirling...is for the Spirit of God to lay across my heart and make it still. The blanket of His presence and His protection is the only perfect fit for the deep creases and crevices carved inside me.
I don't claim to know what tough things you've been through in your life; I do know that I've had my share of tough things, and I also know that brokenness is universal. We all have things in our lives that trigger deep insecurities (not just women) and our own personal twirling around seeking reassurance.
But here's the amazing thing.
While brokenness is universal-God's redemption is also universal for those who proclaim Christ as Lord. No matter what cracks and crevices we have in our heart, if we seek the truth of God above all else He is enough to fill in those raw places. "Whatever is true...think about such things...And the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4:8-9).
I know that as I kept vigil over Bethany's hospital bed, desperate for reassurance of God's grace and mercy, I made the conscious decision to let His truths permeate my being, fill my mind and seep into those desperate places of my heart.
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).
I pray that you...may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:17-18).
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).
I pray that I am always desperate for God, for His Word, for His Holy Spirit and for His mercy and grace. I pray the same for you.
Again, thank you for your continued prayers for Bethany's recovery. She is doing extremely well, however, she is still in pain. Her pic line still hurts, and her head and back still do, as well. She cannot do stairs very well (very slowly, if at all), cannot bend over and shouldn't drive (due to her medications). Unfortunately, I have to leave her home alone during the daytime, however, God is in control, and I am only 20 minutes away.
Her pain has yet to subside to the point where she can say that she is in less pain than prior to her surgery. I am praying that time will come very soon.
I hope you have enjoyed this little deviation from my normal blog about Bethany. Prior to Bethany's surgery, my blog was such as today's.
Blessings, peace and joy, Shari